ME, MY FRIENDS AND GOD v ANXIETY

Hey it's Charlo, hope you're all well. This post will have a more serious tone, it's about my battle with anxiety, and where my faith fits in with it all. There has been a lot on tv and in the media about speaking openly about mental health, I feel that this is the right time for me to tell you guys & girls my story. I'm just a normal sport student: I like going to the gym, sometimes I sleep through my 9am lectures, I play lacrosse for the uni team, I enjoy watching Jezza K and daytime tv etc… but I suffer from general anxiety disorder (GAD). Now I must stress before I start that this comes completely from personal experience, and I can not speak for anyone else who suffers from GAD, or any other kind of mental health problem. 

But first things first. I want to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone that has helped me through the past few years, you know who you are and I love you all so much. I wouldn't have made it this far without you lot.

There's a lot I could say about my symptoms and how GAD effects/has effected my life, but I will try to summarise by saying this: It makes life very hard, a challenge, a struggle, some days it's difficult for me to leave my room, and I feel like I'm trapped in my own head. Like when you can't sleep at night because you can't stop thinking and your brain won't switch off. But instead of planning your friends birthday for example, your head is filled with toxic thoughts that snowball out of control and somewhere deep down I know its irrational. However trying to reason with yourself when you're not 'right' in the head is near impossible. I'm afraid of failure, of not achieving, of something going wrong, of my parents dying, the list goes on. I have massive anxiety and panic attacks (medically they are different). My heart rate goes through the roof and I struggle to breathe properly, I can't think straight and everything seems a little brighter & louder (this is my fight-flight system kicking in).  I also have some OCD-esque symptoms. I always try to sit on the same seat on the bus, I always buy the same pasta, my left shoe goes on before my right, I used to repeatedly count objects, all of my t-shirts are in colour order, all of my dvds and cds are in alphabetical order and I nearly cried when MamaCharlo unwittingly re-arranged my small collection of books. Now some of these will sound quite reasonable to you, and even normal I'm sure. But this is where mental health distinguishes itself from physical illness. In the general day to day of life it is difficult for me to say what is my illness and what is just me, my quirks, the things that make me a human and not just a cookie cuttered robot. Unless I'm having particularly "bad" few days/weeks or in the middle of an anxiety attack and struggling to breathe; I often can't tell you where I end and my illness begins.     

When I was in 6th Form (16/17/18 years old for my non-UK friends) I was on beta-blockers, which slow your heart rate. I was also offered cognitive behavioural therapy which I turned down. My medication was to see me through my A-level exams but due to unforeseen family circumstances I kept taking them. That summer I went to Soul Survivor, a Christian youth festival. I told God that I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't keep taking my meds (they helped but made me very sleepy and have horribly vivid dreams). I was at the end of my rope and I couldn't cope, I was surviving I wasn't living. I felt like God was telling me to stop taking the tablets and put my trust in Him. So I did. *At this point I must tell you that you should always consult your Doctor if you want to stop / change any medication you may be on* Since that day I've been on the long and slow road to recovery, sometimes I still feel totally overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I still have anxiety attacks. Sometimes I still play Shake Me Down by Cage The Elephant on repeat for hours at a time. Sometimes I still can't trust what is real. Sometimes I still have to live one day at a time. But I believe that God will see me through, I believe that He sent His only and perfect Son, Jesus, to die and rise again so I can be set free and have hope. I don't know if I'll ever be completely healed of GAD, but I am so much better than I was in 2011. PRAISE THE LORD! I know that God made me a fighter, I don't give up easily. 

Only last week I was starting to have an attack, I couldn't breathe in or out except for the occasional sporadic short breathes in. One of my friends was praying for me and I heard God tell me "breathe my child" and all of a sudden I was able to take a deep breath in and out. I heard it a few more times "breathe my child", and I did. After a couple of minutes my breathing had normalised and I was ok. Now I realise that a girl with mental health problems saying she can hear a voice in her head, will ring alarm bells. But I believe it was God, when I have attacks all my thoughts mash together like white noise. I could hear His words clearly, cutting through everything else, through the sound and the madness.   

If you have any kind of mental health problem or think you might, then I'd encourage you to speak to someone about it and go to the Doctors . I know its difficult and that you can feel very isolated and alone, but there are people out there that can help. The latest stats reckon that about 1 in 4 people have or will have some kind of mental health issue during their life, so don't be afraid to talk to others about it. If you are in the other 75% then even a smile, a cup of tea or asking someone if they're doing ok, can be a huge help.

I hope this has been insightful and if you have any questions or owt, drop us a comment below and I'll do my best to respond. Now, to finish, I've got a Bible verse and some Laura Marling lyrics for you. 

God bless, Charlo x 

2 Timothy 1.7 (NKJV) For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  

Pray For Me - Laura Marling : That wasn't me for my trying / That was the devil and his lying / Trying to make me lose my mind / So pray for me